Making friends and finding support

In my 11 years of marriage, we have moved 5 times and we are a few short months away from moving for a 6th time. The longest we have lived somewhere is just shy of 3 years. Our family has grown from just me and my husband to what we have now-- 5 children, a dog, and a cat.

As a woman, a military spouse, and a mother, making friends has been difficult. There are a lot of obstacles to overcome when it comes to making friends. In my years of trying to connect at my husband's duty stations, I have felt that this particular hardship of the military lifestyle is treated as a women's issue. 

I say this because the spouse groups are set up to support the female, stay-at-home spouses. The meetings are held during a weekday morning, often include some sort of childcare, and generally are held with coffee and a craft. The spouse groups attached to commands will also do things like bake for the command during weeks with long hours or host Ladies' Nights Out.

As our family has grown, I have struggled connecting in these groups. For one, I have 5 children and often the childcare provided doesn't accommodate my hoard of kids. For me to go, I need to either plan in advance so they can prepare for my kids or I need to provide my own childcare.

Secondly, I hate crafting. I mean, loathe it. My sister loves crafting and I sit with her and craft sometimes (she will read this and say, "WHEN?!"). But mostly my crafting involves ignoring the craft and drinking lots of wine. I have avoided social events because they involved intricate crafts. I know that there are indeed a lot of people who enjoy crafting (I will go so far as to say women), but after living in 5 different duty stations and trying out lots of Moms of Preschoolers (MOPS), Moms of Multiples clubs (MoMs), Submarine Officer Spouse Association (SOSA), Family Readiness Groups (FRG), church Bible studies and church teas... why, oh, why do all of them circle back to crafts????

Finally, it feels like the central purpose for a lot of these groups is to give us women something to do. I don't work outside of the home, but I love connecting with working moms because I enjoy their conversation and perspective. I am not a male military spouse, but it feels like the set up the groups don't include this growing part of the military spouse community-- which it needs to if the service wants to retain females. I feel like the box that I keep getting shoved in is the bored stay-at-home mom needing something to do.

I am not passive in my desire to make friends. I have started many clubs and groups trying to find people with common interests: preschool co-ops at more than one duty station, coffee clubs at more than one duty station, easy and low-key playdate groups at more than one duty station. Often, I do find "my people." And when I do, the friendships grow and continue to grow, even after we move away-- these are real, genuine, and strong bonds. I am a social person and rely heavily on my friendships, even more specifically, on my female friendships. I desire to know and grow with a circle of friends who encourage me, and who I encourage and support.

I think of myself as a strong woman. I might be a stay-at-home mom. I might be a military spouse. I might have put my dreams on hold for more years that I wanted to. But that drive and those questions and that passion is within me, boiling beneath the surface and ready to explode. I care deeply about my children and the type of people they will grow to be, the example that myself and my husband are giving them, and the dynamics in our relationship. I feel like I am always working towards my goals, even if I'm taking the roundabout route.

And then the box gets dropped on me again and it feels suffocating. It feels like I can do these incredible feats of strength, exceptional organizing and follow-through, handle every aspect of our life, carry our children through these things and the world poo-poos it is part of my job as a military spouse, a stay-at-home mom, a woman. "What else would you do?"

There is so much pressure when making friends at a new duty station. I meet a girl, with similar interests as me, maybe also a mom of many or a mom of multiples. She's smart, she's funny. And she has a huge local friend base, a busy calendar, and my friendship with her grows slowly. Maybe if I was living somewhere for 5 years we would be as close as I would want, but I am going to live somewhere for 3 years max. I didn't meet her until we'd been living somewhere for a year, and so I don't have the time for this friendship to develop. I spend the whole duty station feeling like an outsider in my social interactions with her and her friend group.

Or I meet someone who, on paper, should be a solid connection. We have kids in similar ages and stages. Our kids go to the same activities. Our kids are friends. We live near each other. Our calendars line up. But the connection between me and her just isn't there. We don't have common interests or even similar approaches and attitudes on life. Or our personalities just don't jive.

Another common mommy friend problem is calendars never lining up. The school schedule really messes this up. I thought naps were hard, but throwing in school and it's just... aggggh!! I have to get my older 3 to school in the morning and pick them up every afternoon. My 4th son has preschool in the morning and then my youngest takes a nap in the afternoon. I'm pretty flexible on the nap schedule, but if my daughter misses her nap, she spends the entire afternoon screaming and clinging, which is not conducive to socializing at a playdate or meet up. My new friend, who I love and who equally wants to meet up with me, is in a different school district and her elementary kids start and end school at a slightly different time than my elementary kids. Her preschooler goes to afternoon preschool and her baby is younger than mine and still take a morning nap and then a very late afternoon nap. Then after school, my kids have activities on the first 2 days of the week and her kids have activities on the last 3 days of the week. Saturday we do Costco. Sunday they do church. When can I ever see this friend????

Then there is the mommy friend with totally different parenting philosophies than you. This isn't a huge deal to me; I don't mind differences. But some differences make real, deep connections difficult to develop in the amount of time I have at a duty station. These issues can really vary and do not need to be big deep seated issues and I'm not going to get political or specific; its not a bad thing to have different parenting styles and doesn't mean one person is doing it right or doing it wrong. It just means that sometimes it's not the best fit for a tight friendship between mommas.

{I'm also going to throw in a disclaimer on this one: I like having friends with different styles of parenting and beliefs and backgrounds. These are all great things and I have close friends with all of that. What I mean is that sometimes parenting styles do make it hard for two people to become close friends quickly, even though the two people have respect for the other person and still do meet ups, etc.}

On top of all of this, I am just a woman. I'm a woman that likes wine and cocktails. I love fancy recipes. I love reading, learning, and writing. I love finding the humor in the every day. I try to laugh through my problems. I know that life keeps rolling no matter what we are going through-- the stomach bug, an asthma flair, a PCS. I have a core group of people that I confide in and who's advice I take seriously, because they know me, my whole family, and I know them and where they are coming from. I have hopes and dreams and ambitions and like my friends to be equally strong-minded. We don't have it all figured out and we struggle under some of the unexpected aspects of being an adult, being a woman, being a mother, being a military spouse-- whatever it is that life hands us, as my friends are from all different backgrounds. Being strong and driven doesn't mean having all the answers, it means being courageous enough to ask the question, push the boundaries, shoot for the stars, be willing to fail, and to find the right people to place your trust in. I am a mom and a wife, but I am first and foremost Kimber. I want friends that are willing to take the whole package, just as I want to know and accept them for who they are.

With all of this in mind, it isn't surprising that connecting at these groups and with all these moves can be difficult. I do like when I have something to do and sometimes the volunteer opportunities do make me feel useful. But this was a duty station where I, the spouse, needed support. I needed those friendships. I needed to be carried through and it didn't happen. The gaps were there at previous duty stations, but I was able to work and fill them-- either with time or effort. At this duty station, I didn't have my health and so the gaps were left open, festering and raw.

How do I think military spouses can be better supported?

For one, I don't think it would hurt to have the FRG and ombudsman roles as paid positions-- even as minimum wage positions. Spouses are asked to volunteer for the roles and if the roles aren't filled, the command has no FRG. The FRG is who organizes things like the Sunshine Committee, who's role it is to help military families going through difficult times, usually be organizing a meal train or dropping off a small gift. A meal train sounds like it wouldn't do much. But as the military spouse living far away from friends and family married to a service member, I am the one who needs to feed my family no matter what I am going through. That small act of support and help can make a world of difference. The FRG and ombudsman have important roles working as a liaison between the military and the families. They are an integral part of the "family," "community," and "support" that military families do not have due to frequent moves. I think as paid positions the FRG would be able to carry out their duties better and more consistently as some commands have active FRG's and some do not.

I think commands-- FRGs-- should have available services, better communication with military families as to the services on base, and thus more active and tangible support for military families. I think even if they offered a "newly PCS'd package" to military families where they had a number of hours available at drop-in childcare on base for a set amount of  months as they settle in to their new homes and schedule with new doctors and schools, it would be a huge help to military families. For instance, military spouses often move by themselves and set up house by themselves. If their military member was going to a sea command, it would be a huge help to me if I had the guaranteed option of childcare on base for 1-3 months after we PCS, even if I paid at a discounted rate or something along those lines. This is when I am lining up new doctors visits, signing paperwork at new schools, unpacking our house, and registering our kids for new activities. I usually have to do all of this with my kids in tow, regulating them through all these new, big changes when their emotions are high and thus their behavior is poor. Since we just moved somewhere, I don't have baby-sitters. I don't have friends who can take my kids. Having some support would make a big difference. I also think that FRG's should hand out detailed, easy to read information about what is available to military families on that specific base. Most of the time, if I get any information, it is a disorganized shamble of papers handed to me, some crossed off with old information and most often with directions to go to poorly designed and confusing websites. I do the research and I still miss services available on base. It would be so helpful if the new command-- the FRG-- handed out to each family a thorough and up-to-date packet as to what resources they have here, how to access those resources, etc.

I think groups should work to be more inclusive. I know that is a struggle for every organization-- making new people feel welcome and connected-- but I think military family/spouse groups should make this a priority. I think this could be done in a number of ways-- a different colored name tag for people who have PCS'd within the last 6 months or who are new to the group. This way regular members would know to greet these people. Maybe a welcome lunch every 6 months for any newcomers with the boards, where the group and its function and subcommittees are explained. I think an important aspect of the groups should be communication, especially with new members, where the group and its role is clearly defined. I think there should be a venue for these groups to support military families in need. If the group has clear guidelines and the help that they offer clearly explained, then military families with a need (such as a medical issue, a new baby, unexpected travel, etc) would know how to seek and receive much needed help.

Having this whole aspect of making friends treated as part and parcel of the role as a military spouse and then further treating this only as a "women's issue" (because we all know how females treat each other... catty, gossiping, back stabbing... *eye roll*), it ends up creating an environment where these groups are only social clubs. As a military spouse for 11 years and having just experienced a very demanding sea tour, I think the mentality needs to shift to supporting military spouses in a real and tangible way. For making spouses comfortable and able to speak up without feeling weak or put down or like they are not supporting their military member. Instead of these groups baking for the command during busy weeks, why are they not providing a community dinner for the families during that time? After all these moves and all this time, my life is supporting my service member, who is usually unable to return the favor. I am pulling myself up by the bootstraps, carrying my kids through hard times, and then the social clubs available to me try to find ways for me to volunteer and support the military even more. I have a huge passion for the military and military families, but the spouses are being forgotten. The spouses need support instead of empty praise. The spouse groups need a shift that helps support them in their careers, their goals, and supports the male spouses.

When we first got married, the military lifestyle felt like an adventure. The tours felt exciting. The deployments felt romantic. The dust has settled and this is my life. Instead of living a half-life at each tour and carrying the weight of my family through thick and thin and constantly waiting, waiting, waiting, I want my spouse groups to support me. To be the community I need during these times. To offer resources I can use. To be an inclusive place without judgment that encourages and supports all military spouses consistently-- at each command, at every duty station-- through programs, committees, and communication dedicated to our community.