There is one aspect of military spouse life that I do not think that I can ever get used to: isolation. I feel like I make my own memories. That sounds like such a small thing, but as our family has grown and we have moved time after time, I've realized I really hate it.
What do I mean make my own memories? Well, my husband is rarely home or with me. Sea duty doesn't mean he's working a 9-5 job when he isn't deployed. Even when he is "home" or "in port" he has schools he has to attend, training to go to, a boat to work on, on and on. He often leaves before the kids and I get up and gets home after they are in bed (sometimes after I am in bed). For awhile, he had literally 2 days off a month and they weren't even on the same weekend. So I'm not making memories with my husband, living day to day life with him. Sharing time with him and sharing the kids with him. I'm usually informing him of our day and showing him pictures and videos.
This is also how I share my life with my friends and family. We move every 1-3 years. In our 11 years of marriage, we just made our 6th PCS and will be moving into our 8th house. It is hard to make friends. Anyone who has had to make friends as an adult-- or an adult with kids-- can tell you: it's not easy. It doesn't ever get easier. In fact, the older I get and the more I've been called upon to make friends, the less energy I seem to have for it. I am tired of making friends and putting myself out there. I want my tribe, the people who know me and accept me. I want people that embrace my kids. The first initial playdates are exhausting. It sucks when your kids don't get along or the parenting styles of your new friend are incompatible with yours. Or you just realize this isn't a soul fusing, forever type friend. It's hard to put into words... but when you have to make friends every couple years, you soon realize that there are people that you meet that it doesn't matter how polar opposite you are, you somehow feel at home and comfortable with them. They accept all of you and you accept all of them. Your families get along. Your schedules work. It just is friendship magic. And then there are people that you meet that for one reason or another, it doesn't work. It always feels awkward. You can't ever get your schedules to line up. Whatever it is... it is always off. Making friends takes time. So when you move every 1-3 years, it takes roughly a year to feel somewhat settled into the friendships you make {if you are lucky and make friends soon after arriving} and then you have about 2 years {if you are lucky and not moving before then or your friends don't move before then} to actually enjoy the time with them. Then you are back at square one making new friends in a new place.
The only person holding on to our family memories is me. I take a lot of pictures to share. I post on my socials. I text, call, and video chat my close friends and family. But it is never the same. It is never the "you are part of my life and I rely on you" interaction. They won't ever jump in and finish the story. Or give a new perspective on a tried and true family anecdote. It's just me. How I remember it.
The other part of that is that we move around to all these different places and have all these different experiences and I meet all these different people and do all these new and exciting things, and no one wants to hear about it. You think, yeah, they do. But I have been a military spouse for 11 years and, no, they don't. You can talk and say, "Oh, in such and such..." but people tune it out and live their life. No one wants to hear the stories of where I shopped or what I thought was cool. They might for a minute, but we are talking about 11 years of experiences at this point. I'm going to be reminded of something else all the time and no one wants to hear all the time, "Oh, man, when I lived in..." every 10 minutes.
Piggy backing off of that, no one reminisces with me or corrects my memories. This morning I woke up craving a cupcake place. Like, genuinely wanted to head out and pick up these cupcakes. I started thinking about the cupcake place and, for the life of me, I do not know what state it was in. I really want to say South Carolina. I remember this, like, open courtyard area that had a kids' playground. I seem to remember a series of stairs through this raised garden bed type spot connecting the upstairs and downstairs shopping areas. I know their was a natural health food store nearby and I seem to remember a fast-casual restaurant downstairs by the kids' playground. The cupcake store was upstairs and I loved it. Did I ever go there with my husband? Nope. Never went with friends {I don't think}. It's just me, trying to come up with where I might have possibly had cupcakes I enjoyed in the past 11 years {well, 7 years, because I am pretty sure our twins were born when I had these cupcakes...}. Another possibility: what if I'm confused and combining shopping complexes from different duty stations?
Another part of this is that people don't really know my whole story. We got off our first sea tour where we had one child and got pregnant with twins. We've lost 4 babies due to miscarriage {one a singleton pregnancy and one a multiple pregnancy}. I just made it through the hardest 3 years of my life, topping it off with possibly the most stressful 6 months of my life. I've been hitting the gym hard and everyone tells me, "Oh, wow, that's great you do that." But who knows my fitness story? Who knows how far I've come? Who knows why I am spending all my time chilling this summer? And NOT feeling bad about it? Who knows about everything I've gone through, not just the past 3 years, but the past 11 years as a military spouse? Before I was a military spouse? Who has a complete picture of me?
I lose that. I feel boxed in sometimes by the glimpses people have of my life and the type of person they think I am because of the brief moment in time they met me. I feel like I need to justify, apologize, explain, or suppress parts of my personality at various duty stations, in various friendships. I know everyone does that to a degree {for instance, mom friends from your kids' preschool compared to lifelong friends, right?}. But when you move every 1-3 years, every 1-3 years, it's like you show up fresh and new every time. No history. No one excusing you at the party or laying the ground work for introductions or showing you where you would best plug in. None of that. I feel on my own every duty station and I feel like I have a couple shots to display who I am and, inevitably, I still feel awkward. Most of the time, I don't even have my spouse by my side backing me up. It's just me, walking in to new social situations every 1-3 years {and having to plug my kids in, and often doing these new things with all my kids in tow}.
This new duty station, our 6th one, is a bit of anomaly for us. We actually will have family close by-- not even a little bit of family, a lot of family. And 2 of my best friends. I have this built in support network and because of that {and my super stressful past 6 months} I have a bit of a devil may care attitude surrounding this duty station. I have goals I've laid out for myself that I will accomplish. I don't need to justify or explain myself to them-- these are ride or die friends and family. I don't have to apologize for who I am or find somewhere else to shine. I have seriously plunged into life here with both feet and I am just swimming for all I am worth. The best part is, they are all encouraging me on.
Having this experience is life changing. It shows me just how different life can be with even that small support network-- 2 best friends and a handful of family. It shows me how different I feel when I'm not trying to make sure I don't come on too strong to a new friend or make a poorly timed joke. Or put my foot in my mouth. Or act badly at the wrong moment. I have people here who love all the parts of me, rough edges and all. I feel like I am getting in touch with parts of me that I have kept under wraps for 11 years as I've wandered from mandatory fun to hail and farewells to balls and change of commands. Combing this awakening with a chance to finally stop spinning my wheels and actually accomplish my personal goals... I don't know. I might become a whole new woman. I am excited to meet 2021 Kimber, but I already am dreading the return to isolated military spouse life at our 7th duty station.
What do I mean make my own memories? Well, my husband is rarely home or with me. Sea duty doesn't mean he's working a 9-5 job when he isn't deployed. Even when he is "home" or "in port" he has schools he has to attend, training to go to, a boat to work on, on and on. He often leaves before the kids and I get up and gets home after they are in bed (sometimes after I am in bed). For awhile, he had literally 2 days off a month and they weren't even on the same weekend. So I'm not making memories with my husband, living day to day life with him. Sharing time with him and sharing the kids with him. I'm usually informing him of our day and showing him pictures and videos.
This is also how I share my life with my friends and family. We move every 1-3 years. In our 11 years of marriage, we just made our 6th PCS and will be moving into our 8th house. It is hard to make friends. Anyone who has had to make friends as an adult-- or an adult with kids-- can tell you: it's not easy. It doesn't ever get easier. In fact, the older I get and the more I've been called upon to make friends, the less energy I seem to have for it. I am tired of making friends and putting myself out there. I want my tribe, the people who know me and accept me. I want people that embrace my kids. The first initial playdates are exhausting. It sucks when your kids don't get along or the parenting styles of your new friend are incompatible with yours. Or you just realize this isn't a soul fusing, forever type friend. It's hard to put into words... but when you have to make friends every couple years, you soon realize that there are people that you meet that it doesn't matter how polar opposite you are, you somehow feel at home and comfortable with them. They accept all of you and you accept all of them. Your families get along. Your schedules work. It just is friendship magic. And then there are people that you meet that for one reason or another, it doesn't work. It always feels awkward. You can't ever get your schedules to line up. Whatever it is... it is always off. Making friends takes time. So when you move every 1-3 years, it takes roughly a year to feel somewhat settled into the friendships you make {if you are lucky and make friends soon after arriving} and then you have about 2 years {if you are lucky and not moving before then or your friends don't move before then} to actually enjoy the time with them. Then you are back at square one making new friends in a new place.
The only person holding on to our family memories is me. I take a lot of pictures to share. I post on my socials. I text, call, and video chat my close friends and family. But it is never the same. It is never the "you are part of my life and I rely on you" interaction. They won't ever jump in and finish the story. Or give a new perspective on a tried and true family anecdote. It's just me. How I remember it.
The other part of that is that we move around to all these different places and have all these different experiences and I meet all these different people and do all these new and exciting things, and no one wants to hear about it. You think, yeah, they do. But I have been a military spouse for 11 years and, no, they don't. You can talk and say, "Oh, in such and such..." but people tune it out and live their life. No one wants to hear the stories of where I shopped or what I thought was cool. They might for a minute, but we are talking about 11 years of experiences at this point. I'm going to be reminded of something else all the time and no one wants to hear all the time, "Oh, man, when I lived in..." every 10 minutes.
Piggy backing off of that, no one reminisces with me or corrects my memories. This morning I woke up craving a cupcake place. Like, genuinely wanted to head out and pick up these cupcakes. I started thinking about the cupcake place and, for the life of me, I do not know what state it was in. I really want to say South Carolina. I remember this, like, open courtyard area that had a kids' playground. I seem to remember a series of stairs through this raised garden bed type spot connecting the upstairs and downstairs shopping areas. I know their was a natural health food store nearby and I seem to remember a fast-casual restaurant downstairs by the kids' playground. The cupcake store was upstairs and I loved it. Did I ever go there with my husband? Nope. Never went with friends {I don't think}. It's just me, trying to come up with where I might have possibly had cupcakes I enjoyed in the past 11 years {well, 7 years, because I am pretty sure our twins were born when I had these cupcakes...}. Another possibility: what if I'm confused and combining shopping complexes from different duty stations?
Another part of this is that people don't really know my whole story. We got off our first sea tour where we had one child and got pregnant with twins. We've lost 4 babies due to miscarriage {one a singleton pregnancy and one a multiple pregnancy}. I just made it through the hardest 3 years of my life, topping it off with possibly the most stressful 6 months of my life. I've been hitting the gym hard and everyone tells me, "Oh, wow, that's great you do that." But who knows my fitness story? Who knows how far I've come? Who knows why I am spending all my time chilling this summer? And NOT feeling bad about it? Who knows about everything I've gone through, not just the past 3 years, but the past 11 years as a military spouse? Before I was a military spouse? Who has a complete picture of me?
I lose that. I feel boxed in sometimes by the glimpses people have of my life and the type of person they think I am because of the brief moment in time they met me. I feel like I need to justify, apologize, explain, or suppress parts of my personality at various duty stations, in various friendships. I know everyone does that to a degree {for instance, mom friends from your kids' preschool compared to lifelong friends, right?}. But when you move every 1-3 years, every 1-3 years, it's like you show up fresh and new every time. No history. No one excusing you at the party or laying the ground work for introductions or showing you where you would best plug in. None of that. I feel on my own every duty station and I feel like I have a couple shots to display who I am and, inevitably, I still feel awkward. Most of the time, I don't even have my spouse by my side backing me up. It's just me, walking in to new social situations every 1-3 years {and having to plug my kids in, and often doing these new things with all my kids in tow}.
This new duty station, our 6th one, is a bit of anomaly for us. We actually will have family close by-- not even a little bit of family, a lot of family. And 2 of my best friends. I have this built in support network and because of that {and my super stressful past 6 months} I have a bit of a devil may care attitude surrounding this duty station. I have goals I've laid out for myself that I will accomplish. I don't need to justify or explain myself to them-- these are ride or die friends and family. I don't have to apologize for who I am or find somewhere else to shine. I have seriously plunged into life here with both feet and I am just swimming for all I am worth. The best part is, they are all encouraging me on.
Having this experience is life changing. It shows me just how different life can be with even that small support network-- 2 best friends and a handful of family. It shows me how different I feel when I'm not trying to make sure I don't come on too strong to a new friend or make a poorly timed joke. Or put my foot in my mouth. Or act badly at the wrong moment. I have people here who love all the parts of me, rough edges and all. I feel like I am getting in touch with parts of me that I have kept under wraps for 11 years as I've wandered from mandatory fun to hail and farewells to balls and change of commands. Combing this awakening with a chance to finally stop spinning my wheels and actually accomplish my personal goals... I don't know. I might become a whole new woman. I am excited to meet 2021 Kimber, but I already am dreading the return to isolated military spouse life at our 7th duty station.
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-Kimber