A thought that keeps bouncing around in my mind lately is how to accept my present circumstances. I feel like I'm chaffing under the yoke of being a military spouse. There are so many aspects of this life that, after 11 years, I am very tired of dealing with.
1. I'm tired of trying to make friends.
2. I'm very tired of meeting great friends just as I'm getting ready to PCS or when they are about to PCS or when they are about to deploy. I want my friendships to last and line up.
3. I'm tired of feeling like my life is on hold.
4. I'm tired of people telling me my life is not on hold and that I just need to make the most of it.
5. I'm tired of having the mentality that I'm only going to live somewhere for 3 years, max, and so when I start reaching the end of that time, I start passing up opportunities or letting my roots grow any deeper because I know I'm about to move from there again.
6. I'm tired of bumping into people that want to put me in my place, by their "I had it harder" stories and by their "I have it harder right now" stories or by their dismissive attitudes because I'm not processing or handling a situation how they feel I should, based off of their judgment of my life.
7. I'm sick of being told "I chose this" or "then why doesn't he get out?"
8. I am tired of shouldering everything in our family life on my own. I am tired of having to shoulder everything on my own. Even more, I'm tired of everyone acting like it is NORMAL or MY JOB to do all of this on my own and if I don't, I'm weak. I'm trying to get my husband out of work. I'm not being supportive.
9. I am very tired of not knowing who to trust. I want a network and a community. And I hate when I run into gossips. I hate gossiping, like a lot a lot a lot a lot. I don't think this is only a female problem. I just want people who want to be my friend, not who want to dig up my dirt and share it with other people who want to hear my dirt and who will continue to share it... until it all swirls around into this huge drama thing that isn't fun. Isn't helpful. Isn't supportive. And 100% isn't welcome in my life. So I pull inward and push the feelings down because the times I take the leap and trust, I feel let down.
10. I am very tired of feeling like the only one overwhelmed by this military spouse lifestyle.
How do I accept my present circumstances? We have 5 years left in the military, which is a shore duty and a sea duty. This is our second sea tour. I feel jaded when I think about our upcoming shore tour, that we are so close to. I know that it will be a welcome break from sea tour, but I also know that at the end of shore tour is another sea tour and everything will come right back to where I am now.
In a way, I feel like, my husband's career progresses in the military and, while I may gain knowledge and be a "seasoned spouse," there is no room for growth in my role as a military spouse. I am in the exact same position as when we got married 11 years ago.
Because, as I tell all the military spouses I meet-- new and old-- every deployment is different. Every boat is different. Every duty station is different. You grow. You get older. Your family may grow. Your children get older. So one tour is vastly different than a different tour. You might know on a consecutive tour the exact role of an ombudsman, but there are few things you can take for granted. You may have a helpful or not helpful FRG; regardless of how you felt you connected with the FRG on your first tour, there is no guarantee you will have a similar experience on your next. Your spouse may enjoy or not enjoy a duty station/assignment/command at these tours. Everything changes. It feels like the first time every time. There are new challenges, new issues. Your information well may be deeper, but that doesn't translate to easy tours.
I am 11 years older from when I got married and in exactly the same role as when we first got married. Where is my growth?
In fact, it feels like, if anything, I've learned what I am done dealing with, which is my current predicament. How do I accept the next 5 years-- including a 3rd sea tour as a military spouse-- and not feel so frustrated, overwhelmed, and alone on this journey? How do I build that community, when we have PCS'd 5 times, about to PCS for the 6th time, and I've felt like that sense of community was hard won and often out of reach? How do I cultivate the types of friendships I am seeking when so often I am out of control on the timing? (How long we live somewhere/how long my new friend lives somewhere/my life circumstances when building those friendships?) How do I get my friendships off social media and into face to face, real life, when I have 5 young kids and our schedule fluctuates so much, especially in cold and flu season with 2 asthmatics?
With such a big family, one of the things I tell myself often is that I don't have to complete the whole task at one time. When I have a long list of tasks, I prioritize the list and focus on the items I am currently working on, not digesting the whole list at once. I feel like that is how I've been approaching military spouse life up until now-- one duty station at a time, one season at a time, one deployment at a time, one day at a time. I have worked steadily and brought my focus back into the present every time I started stressing about the future and what I can't control or change. Now, I'm stuck at: why. Why do I continue to deal with-- and why have I dealt with-- all of the things on the above list for 11 years? When nothing changes? Every tour I struggle with roughly the same things? Why?
And in the back of my mind, I think, maybe this is the last 1/4 of my run, when I've ran 75% of my goal. When I'm over halfway there and still have several more laps to run before I'm on the home stretch. Maybe this is the time when my lungs are burning, my legs don't want to take each step, when I start thinking, "This has been a long enough run. I could stop now." There are times when I think very strongly of quitting on my run and that's when I shut my mind down, stop focusing on the finish line and focus only on the step in front of me. It isn't mindless, because I have to accept the burning in my lungs, accept the burning in my legs, accept my lead feet and my heavy arms. I pull my shoulders up and I find the beat in my music. I put one foot down, the other foot down, lift my foot again and put it down, lengthen my stride, keep my pace, and propel forward until I have completed one lap. Then another lap. Until finally I'm on my second to last lap. And then I round the corner and there I am, on my last lap and I think, "Now's the time, girl." I glide over the start line and bring my arms in, my stride becomes solid and purposeful. I don't see the people around me. The lines on the track are no longer my life lines. The music fades. My breathing is strong and powerful. And I sprint around the track. Everything else forgotten until I round the corner and see the finish line and once again think, "You did it. You can slow down now. Just walk the rest." I lower my head and run, run, run to the finish line. I look at the timer and see that not only did I finish my run, but I also hit my goal (or maybe beat my goal!).
Maybe that is what this is. I really don't know. I know that right now it feels hard. It feels like something that I've struggled with under the surface for 11 years, something I've occasionally dipped into, something I've suppressed. Now it is boiling over and I don't know how I feel about it. It feels like this military spouse lifestyle has left me empty handed and alone, friendless, my goals shelved. What have I gained? I can't answer that right now.
Maybe if I focus on the beat, focus on my steps, focus on one foot in front of the other, tuck my head down, I will cross the finish line one day and see that I did accomplish my goal-- after pushing through when I felt like quitting. After keeping on when it felt too hard.
1. I'm tired of trying to make friends.
2. I'm very tired of meeting great friends just as I'm getting ready to PCS or when they are about to PCS or when they are about to deploy. I want my friendships to last and line up.
3. I'm tired of feeling like my life is on hold.
4. I'm tired of people telling me my life is not on hold and that I just need to make the most of it.
5. I'm tired of having the mentality that I'm only going to live somewhere for 3 years, max, and so when I start reaching the end of that time, I start passing up opportunities or letting my roots grow any deeper because I know I'm about to move from there again.
6. I'm tired of bumping into people that want to put me in my place, by their "I had it harder" stories and by their "I have it harder right now" stories or by their dismissive attitudes because I'm not processing or handling a situation how they feel I should, based off of their judgment of my life.
7. I'm sick of being told "I chose this" or "then why doesn't he get out?"
8. I am tired of shouldering everything in our family life on my own. I am tired of having to shoulder everything on my own. Even more, I'm tired of everyone acting like it is NORMAL or MY JOB to do all of this on my own and if I don't, I'm weak. I'm trying to get my husband out of work. I'm not being supportive.
9. I am very tired of not knowing who to trust. I want a network and a community. And I hate when I run into gossips. I hate gossiping, like a lot a lot a lot a lot. I don't think this is only a female problem. I just want people who want to be my friend, not who want to dig up my dirt and share it with other people who want to hear my dirt and who will continue to share it... until it all swirls around into this huge drama thing that isn't fun. Isn't helpful. Isn't supportive. And 100% isn't welcome in my life. So I pull inward and push the feelings down because the times I take the leap and trust, I feel let down.
10. I am very tired of feeling like the only one overwhelmed by this military spouse lifestyle.
How do I accept my present circumstances? We have 5 years left in the military, which is a shore duty and a sea duty. This is our second sea tour. I feel jaded when I think about our upcoming shore tour, that we are so close to. I know that it will be a welcome break from sea tour, but I also know that at the end of shore tour is another sea tour and everything will come right back to where I am now.
In a way, I feel like, my husband's career progresses in the military and, while I may gain knowledge and be a "seasoned spouse," there is no room for growth in my role as a military spouse. I am in the exact same position as when we got married 11 years ago.
Because, as I tell all the military spouses I meet-- new and old-- every deployment is different. Every boat is different. Every duty station is different. You grow. You get older. Your family may grow. Your children get older. So one tour is vastly different than a different tour. You might know on a consecutive tour the exact role of an ombudsman, but there are few things you can take for granted. You may have a helpful or not helpful FRG; regardless of how you felt you connected with the FRG on your first tour, there is no guarantee you will have a similar experience on your next. Your spouse may enjoy or not enjoy a duty station/assignment/command at these tours. Everything changes. It feels like the first time every time. There are new challenges, new issues. Your information well may be deeper, but that doesn't translate to easy tours.
I am 11 years older from when I got married and in exactly the same role as when we first got married. Where is my growth?
In fact, it feels like, if anything, I've learned what I am done dealing with, which is my current predicament. How do I accept the next 5 years-- including a 3rd sea tour as a military spouse-- and not feel so frustrated, overwhelmed, and alone on this journey? How do I build that community, when we have PCS'd 5 times, about to PCS for the 6th time, and I've felt like that sense of community was hard won and often out of reach? How do I cultivate the types of friendships I am seeking when so often I am out of control on the timing? (How long we live somewhere/how long my new friend lives somewhere/my life circumstances when building those friendships?) How do I get my friendships off social media and into face to face, real life, when I have 5 young kids and our schedule fluctuates so much, especially in cold and flu season with 2 asthmatics?
With such a big family, one of the things I tell myself often is that I don't have to complete the whole task at one time. When I have a long list of tasks, I prioritize the list and focus on the items I am currently working on, not digesting the whole list at once. I feel like that is how I've been approaching military spouse life up until now-- one duty station at a time, one season at a time, one deployment at a time, one day at a time. I have worked steadily and brought my focus back into the present every time I started stressing about the future and what I can't control or change. Now, I'm stuck at: why. Why do I continue to deal with-- and why have I dealt with-- all of the things on the above list for 11 years? When nothing changes? Every tour I struggle with roughly the same things? Why?
And in the back of my mind, I think, maybe this is the last 1/4 of my run, when I've ran 75% of my goal. When I'm over halfway there and still have several more laps to run before I'm on the home stretch. Maybe this is the time when my lungs are burning, my legs don't want to take each step, when I start thinking, "This has been a long enough run. I could stop now." There are times when I think very strongly of quitting on my run and that's when I shut my mind down, stop focusing on the finish line and focus only on the step in front of me. It isn't mindless, because I have to accept the burning in my lungs, accept the burning in my legs, accept my lead feet and my heavy arms. I pull my shoulders up and I find the beat in my music. I put one foot down, the other foot down, lift my foot again and put it down, lengthen my stride, keep my pace, and propel forward until I have completed one lap. Then another lap. Until finally I'm on my second to last lap. And then I round the corner and there I am, on my last lap and I think, "Now's the time, girl." I glide over the start line and bring my arms in, my stride becomes solid and purposeful. I don't see the people around me. The lines on the track are no longer my life lines. The music fades. My breathing is strong and powerful. And I sprint around the track. Everything else forgotten until I round the corner and see the finish line and once again think, "You did it. You can slow down now. Just walk the rest." I lower my head and run, run, run to the finish line. I look at the timer and see that not only did I finish my run, but I also hit my goal (or maybe beat my goal!).
Maybe that is what this is. I really don't know. I know that right now it feels hard. It feels like something that I've struggled with under the surface for 11 years, something I've occasionally dipped into, something I've suppressed. Now it is boiling over and I don't know how I feel about it. It feels like this military spouse lifestyle has left me empty handed and alone, friendless, my goals shelved. What have I gained? I can't answer that right now.
Maybe if I focus on the beat, focus on my steps, focus on one foot in front of the other, tuck my head down, I will cross the finish line one day and see that I did accomplish my goal-- after pushing through when I felt like quitting. After keeping on when it felt too hard.
Comments
Post a Comment
Thank you for commenting on my blog! Take a look at my website: kimberlyreach.com
-Kimber